Pendulous Vasquez Tells MODE, ‘If We Can Clean Up That Awful Mess, We’ll Change Whoring Forever’
Disgusting, broken-down pseudo-celebrity Lindsay Lohan has agreed to work as a prostitute, her new pimp told MODE in a world-exclusive interview, but he cautioned that at present she is in no condition to do the job.
“I didn’t sign her to be a street-walking crack whore,” Pendulous Vasquez said, “But that weirdo slag asked for a mixed pound of meth, ecstasy and actual crack cocaine, and a corner to work, as soon as we executed the contracts and her agent took the check.
“I damn-near fell off my chair. That’s not how we do business, and, frankly, the look in her eyes scared my natural flat.”
Lohan is now apparently in what Vasquez called a “secret rehabilitation camp owned for profit by, but not idewologically part of,” the notorious Scientology cult. “Who knows – we could end up selling her to Tom Cruise as his next ‘wife’,” he said.
But first Vasquez said he hopes the cult’s rehab will sober her up enough so she can then do a few months of intensive psychological, psychiatric and personal-hygiene therapy.
“She’s not a well person, obviously, and while we like her completely unhinged sexual enthusiasm, we can’t have her scaring our clients. Or stealing from them. Frankly, this is a real risk for our brand,” Vasquez said.
“Right now she’s as repulsive as she is bat-shit crazy. If we can’t straighten her out, this venture could be an expensive failure.”
Vasquez has a multi-tiered business plan for Lohan that would not only include name-recognition prostitution but her return to movie work, albeit in the San Fernando Valley, not Hollywood.
According to the Vasquez firm’s business manager, brother Pernicious Vasquez, Lohan could deliver revenue in several streams, from weekend bookings as a Vegas party slut to whip-wielding mistress-for-hire to working business functions for various agencies, production companies and studios in the Las Angeles where Lohan is otherwise no longer welcome.
The Disney Co., which once employed Lohan, is said to want her as a door prize for staff retreats and as a bonus for mid-level executives.
“We’ve also had several calls from Jeremy Piven, who wants her to abuse him while she’s dressed as his mother,” Pernicious said, adding, “That dwarfish douchebag is seriously twisted.
“We’ve heard from both Martha Stewart and Ann Coulter, too, but that’s the kind of sick trade we try to avoid. No one deserves that, not for any amount of money.”
“Don’t forget Bill Clinton – he calls about her every day, and he likes them messed up,” Pendulous added.
MODE asked about other Lohan-connected show-business names, but both Pendulous and Pernicious declined to answer questions about Mel Gibson, Gloria Allred and Charlie Sheen, though Pendulous did comment on reports Sheen had offered to serve as a mentor for Lohan.
“Even the police and a roomful of judges and social workers will tell you a successful, clean-living pimp is better for her than Charlie Sheen. That freak will still be failing drug tests three years after he’s dead, and he’s personally responsible for several new drug-resistant strains of VD. And by the way, we stopped doing business with him years ago. Our girls are better people than that.”
That “clean-living pimp” description is not facetious or hypocritical, it seems. Pernicious has an accounting degree from Chico State (hence his role as business manager) and Pendulous was a student at Barstow Bible College for two years.
Pendulous is also a true family man, he said, pointing to his 17-year marriage and children LaVoris, Perineum and Alla’Peesha, for whom he wants to set a proper example.
“We don’t mistreat the girls, traffic in drugs or engage in violence,” Pendulous said. “I’m like Pierce Morehouse Patchett, not some gang-banging, ghetto-trash street pimp,” he added, referencing the character who ran “high-class call girls cut to look like movie stars” in “L.A. Confidential.”
And the movie analogy is no mere sideline.
“We’ve got several network TV writers moonlighting scripts on spec,” Pernicious said, “though the titles are the usual weak-ass porn-industry puns – “How I Grudge-Fu@#ed Your Mother,” “The Gang Bang Theory” and “Cougar Sluts of Cougar Town.”
“Lindsay’s mother is desperate to be in that last one,” Pendulous said, “But pornographers, like every other human being on the planet, won’t have anything to do with Dina Lohan. In fact, Lindsay demanded a contract clause guaranteeing that her atrocious parents can’t know where she is, ever.”
But Lindsay Lohan herself is still a risky venture, and Pernicious Vasquez said he continues to have doubts.
“We don’t care for bad-behaving white trash like that, and tend to run our business in a pretty conservative manner. After all, we’ve got a lot of ‘tea party’ Christian fundamentalists among our clients and while they’re sexually monstrous they expect discretion. And her crazy is particularly indiscrete.”
THE BIG DAMN HAT: Undeniably a “college” at which absolutely no learning takes place, the Catholic Church’s “college of cardinals” sinned irredeemably and chose an elderly coot with only one lung as its new pontiff, shunning the one true pope (or co-pope, as it were).
Does that seem like a smart move after centuries of genocide, slavery and endless crimes against humanity? Not to mention a clergy of child-raping priests who’ve been protected the way Penn State and Joe Paterno protected Jerry Sandusky.
You had your chance, and now you will never be blessed by the joy and eternal love of the Church of Stan and Dave of Tybee Island, Ga., where the miraculously bottomless bottle of mescal shines forever upon those who properly worship the co-popes, amid the palm trees and bimbo-speckled dunes.
No mercy upon thee forever.
THE DEATH WATCH: With Lindsay Lohan’s new career in prostitution and porn (pending her achieving the competence to work), the Death Watch is skewed this month. Because while her new employer isn’t a “gang-banging, ghetto-trash street pimp” and she won’t be working as a street-corner crack whore, she faces god-only-knows-what kind of horrors from clients like Piers Morgan, who’s capable of evil beyond the imagining of any decent person.
Which only makes the whole thing all the more fun.